10/4/24 i wish i could be meaningful. i wish i could be deep. i wish i meant something to anyone at all. do the people who i have forgotten still think about me? do my friends, both old and new, still think about me? do i mean anything to anyone at all? does any of this matter? does anyone even read my diary entries? i keep forgetting i exist to other people when i'm not around them. i forget that people care about me the same way i care about them, and that they want to help me. it's hard to know who really cares when you forget to care about yourself.

i wonder what my siblings think about me. do they really think i'm stupid and insufferable? god, i hope not. i don't mean to bother them, i just get bored and i really, truly love them. i just want them to love me back, or at least show that they care. nobody hugs me or holds my hand unless i ask for it, and when i do it first, they pull away. i hate it. it feels like they're disgusted by my presence. i need to stop feeling like the world hates me, but i can't. i don't know what's wrong with me.

ma dee, serenpai, whatever you want me to call you; if you ever see this, i love you. i always will. romantically or platonically, i'm not sure. it's been a long time since we last talked; we last messaged each other on discord on january 18th, 2024. your birthday is coming up in two months. december 15th, a date i can never forget. you sent me photos of the guys you liked, and i would make fun of them and give you advice. you thanked me. the only reason i was so ruthless was because i was angry they had your heart and i didn't. i thought you were panromantic, like you said before; you were straight. you were straight the whole time, and you only told me so when i asked about it. i sent you a playlist about you. it talked of how much i appreciated you. you said it wasn't your style, and that broke my heart. i think about you a lot. i wonder if you think about me as much, but you probably don't, since you have so many friends. i can count how many friends i have on one hand. i'm jealous of you, honestly. you're so much more popular, so much happier than i am. right now, i'm sitting in my room, listening to music as i type this. you're probably eating dinner or doing chores because you sleep at 10. i still have the friendship bracelet you gave me when we were 9, and the book you gave me for my 10th birthday. we've been friends for over six years now. i hope you still consider me your friend. no, your super best friend, as i called you. maybe one day we can achieve our dreams of living in an apartment in japan together.

happy early birthday.

8/29/24 i'm literally so excited for school to start again!! my backpack looks super awesome and my little sister told be that her school has captain underpants books in the library and she'll bring them home for me to read!! i also bought the scarlet shedder (#12, the latest book so far!!) and cat kid comic club: collaborations (#4) !! still no captain underpants books at walmart, though... TT_TT i also made a bunch of kandi of all the smiling friends and a captain underpants necklace!! i can feel my captain underpants hyperfixation coming back and taking over the smiling friends one... oughhhh... apparently i also have to go on a bunch of stupid dietary restrictions because of my dumb brother having chron's disease. thankfully, my mom is smuggling snacks into the house so we don't have to abide by this stupid diet my brother's on. thankfully, it isn't that restrictive so hooray, i guess! my family's also gonna take me out shopping sometime this weekend, so that's pretty awesome!!
8/8/24 hey hi hello!!! i have done almost nothing for my entire summer break (typical...) except code, draw, and play on my computer all day!! i did go shopping a couple of times and i got a bunch of cool vocaloid merch a few days ago... and i have a smiling friends hyperfixation along with all the other ones (captain underpants hyperfix still going strong!) i also bought two dog man books a while ago (i mentioned this in my status cafe a while ago) but i got for whom the ball rolls (#5) and grime and punishment (#7) !! i wish i got the first two books, captain underpants books, or mothering heights,.. i love those books and i only have the third captain underpants book and i haven't been able to find anything past the first three books online for free, so if anyone knows where i can pirate books than please tell me :(
6/15/24 HI GUYS!!!! my summer break has finally started which means i'm gonna be adding updates almost every day! as of right now, i'm almost done with the new index, and i'm planning to redo my about me page because i think it looks ugly. during this month i've realized two things: one, dog man is NOT a normal interest, and two, i'm starting to get REALLY into captain underpants. i can't be normal about anything anymore and it fucking sucks, just like those super boring tests i had to take right before summer break.

not much has happened, i'm really just announcing that i have like two new hyperfixations and that i may or may not make shrines of them... mwahahaha... stay tuned for those (if i ever make them... i can be a huge procrastinator... (￣▽￣*)ゞ ) but that's about it, see ya!
5/14/24 yesterday was my birthday! a lot happened on that day, and it felt really nice,... except for the parts where i broke down into tears in the middle of class twice because i didn't understand what we were doing. but whatever, it's in the past now. plus, my birthday party was totally awesome. i had birthday cake flavored, well, cake. and i got the bugbo plushie, a pink my melody plushie, some cute clothes, and a led cat mirror! i love them all so much ^_^

i finally decided to start reading the dog man comics yayayyayay!!! i'm on the 6th book right now and my fave is definitely petey. the fact that he's not entirely evil and he's actually trying really hard to be kind and a good father to lil petey is so....,., he's so..,. ARGHGHGHHHH GOD I LOVE THIS SERIES. unfortunately i don't think it'll be a new hyperfix it's just gonna be a. normal(?) interest see guys im soooo normal tehe
5/8/24 hello there! wow, it's been a while. however, not much has happened. at all. at least, nothing too exciting. just going on walks, meeting up with friends, etc. but i've also been feeling kind of depressed lately? if i let my mind wander it'll leave me an empty, hollow mess on my bed. at least i have my plushies though. speaking of plushies, i got a max plushie and i love him so much isn't he just so.,. fuckng.,. AWESOME!??!??? urghghhhh,,, god i love this stupid creature. i got into sam & max in april so when i found out there was a plushie i KNEW i had to have him. i'm planning on getting the actions figures next.... *evil laughter*

yesterday, i was talking to a friend of mine. he was feeling down, so i drew something for him really quick. it was a little doodle of myself saying "don't give up!". when i handed it to him, he smiled and walked away. now he keeps it taped on the inside of his notebook so that when he draws something, he gets a little motivation from me. i may act like an asshole sometimes, but i really hate seeing my friends say horrible things about themselves. i just wanted to give him something so that when he moves away next school year, he doesn't forget about me.
12/17/23 i'm getting the bugbo plushie!! i ordered it about two days ago and it will arrive in around april/may, which is literally around my birthday (may 13th) i'm so excited!! but five months is a really long wait. now enough of the good, let's get into the bad. i've been feeling really... melancholic? lately and i don't know why. all i wanna do is listen to music and sleep all day because life is stupid and boring boooo >:( i'm also getting back to recoding this entire website because i don't really like how it looks and i also have a lot more resources/more knowledge on coding in my hands so i can make my website look even better!! anyway time to go back to bugbo plushie brainrot, and how my platonic love is kinda. well. nevermind
11/30/23 i'm so bored. every day feels the same. i get up, go to school, and do useless stuff on the internet as a means of escape from boredom and the doom and gloom in the world. stimming and my hyperfixations are the only things that make me feel alive, so i make sure to attach myself to them and never let go. ever. anyway nobody loves a fictional character more than a neurodiverse teen girl. period *epic mic drop*
11/25/23 why should i have to apologize for MY mental illness? it's not like i wanted it. it's not my fault i'm like this, it's YOURS. maybe you should've been better parents. maybe my sister shouldn't have been so stupid. maybe, just maybe, if everyone in this family could get their shit together, we could be happy. we could be NORMAL. maybe i wouldn't be like this if everything was nice all the time. i know life has its ups and downs, but sometimes the downs are just too much to handle. all i'm hoping for now is that nothing bad happens in january. please. i just want us to be happy
11/23/23 HAPPY TURKEY DAY YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET'S ALL SIT BACK, RELAX, AND HAVE SOME FUN THIS THANKSGIVING WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!! too bad i'm just sitting here coding... at least i'm making something super duper pretty! i know it's all gonna work out in the end because LIFE IS AWESOME!!!! ＼(＾▽＾)／ i'm just gonna keep on coding until i'm dragged out of my room to eat or something, like usual :3
11/23/23 bugboooo we're gonna find yooou we're gonna help you ooout and save your liiiiife ohhh buuugboooo we're gonna stop hiiiim we're gonna end his plaaans you'll be alriiight,, aaaand if we don't find you you'll probably die, and that would be bad because i would much cry, i'd drown in my tears and eat my own ears and face all my fears the grief would last yeaaars ohhh buuugbo (bugbooo) we're gonna find yooou (we're gonna find yooou) and save your liiife (and save your liiife) ohhh buuugbooo (bugbooo) we're gonna stop hiim (we're gonna stop hiiim) we're gonna end his plaaans (we're gonna end his plaaans) you'll be alriiight (you'll be alriight) ,,,, :3
11/1/23 i fucking love thomas flyswatter. i remember the day i sat down and watched bugbo: a familiar foe and thomas flyswatter came on screen and i stimmed and vibrated so violently that i exploded and brought my house to the ground. that day, that moment, is when i found my purpose in life, the reason i was born, and the reason why i still live today: to love thomas flyswatter. there isn't a milisecond that passes by where i don't think of thomas flyswatter. not a single moment where i don't want to draw him. i can't even try to escape him because he's everywhere. he's in my dreams. he speaks to me as a voice in my head. i can feel his presence near me. i listen to his theme song on loop every day for hours on end. i just want to talk to him. i want to wear his clothes. i want to sleep next to thomas flyswatter with my thomas flyswatter body pillow in my thomas flyswatter bed in my thomas flyswatter room in my thomas flyswatter house with thomas flyswatter flowers outside on the lawn. i want to hug him and to spend every waking moment with him. i want to crush him in my hands and feel his plastic dig into my skin as i watch my blood slowly drip to the floor. i want to melt thomas flyswatter and bake him into cupcakes for me to consume just so my body can feed off of his chemicals. i want to rip all of my stupid fucking organs out of my body and cut them into microscopic pieces because what's the fucking point if thomas flyswatter doesn't exist in the real world. thomas flyswatter is everywhere. i can't even go outside without being reminded of him. everything relates back to him, and i wouldn't want it any other way. i don't care if people call me crazy, deranged, or delusional. i fucking love thomas flyswatter.